Fact: You cannot please everyone. Second fact: You shouldn’t try to please everyone. I’ve been told I was a polarizing personality. Either you like me or you don’t. I’d be lying if I said people’s opinion of me don’t affect me, but it does, and it takes some work to get past them. Over time, I’ve gotten a lot better at handling my so-called haters.
Misery loves company. If they were truly happy with their lives, they wouldn’t seek to ruin yours. Many people are just miserable and it hurts them to see non-miserable people around them. Their happiness is not our responsibility. I do feel for these people, but not enough to hold myself back and make my life worse to please them.
They think it’s unfair. Many people still believe that because they are “good” people, they deserve certain things and certain lifestyles. That somehow you didn’t work hard enough for what you have but somehow still got ahead. They think it’s unfair that you are living the life they are dreaming of. But guess what, life is unfair. I wish I didn’t have to grow up in whatever SES I grew up in and struggle and hustle to get here, but here we are. Once again, LIFE IS UNFAIR. We can’t make it fair, and being upset with people for getting the non-shit end of the life stick just makes us more miserable. We need to get over forcing life to be fair. It always will be unfair so just do your best and stop comparing.
They are insecure. Truly secure people don’t need to put others down, period. I can tell a lot about people’s insecurities when they talk bad about others.
“Oh, she’s always too made up and dressed up. She must not be that into work.” = “I’m insecure about my looks and will elevate my self esteem by thinking pretty girls cannot be smart and hardworking also.”
“We can’t have her on our team. She’s only going to drop out and marry rich.” = “I’m insecure about my looks and and will elevate my self esteem by assuming good-looking women cannot possibly make it in the workplace because they’ll end up marrying and quitting.”
“Do you really live here <motioning to a nice house>? Are you sure it’s not a vacation rental?” = “I’m insecure about my current living situation and I’m a harder worker than you so why do I live in a not-as-nice place?”
“Oh, she’s only with him for his money.” = “I’m insecure about the kind of income my partner makes and resent women who “take shortcuts” to gain security.”
“Her husband is only with her for her looks.” = “I’m insecure about my looks and my own husband’s attraction to me so I’m going to put her down by thinking my husband loves me for me and not the looks I have long given up on taking care of.”
“You don’t work? So what do you do all day?” = “I’m insecure about my job that I hate but can’t leave because I can’t afford to. I wish I could stay home all day but I chose a 50/50 relationship.”
“Your husband makes you work? Can’t he afford to keep you home?” = “I’m insecure about my lack of career prospects and intellectual stimulation and will put you down so I can feel better about myself.”
“She’s too young to be engaged. Blah blah blah.” = “I’m insecure about my bf not proposing to me and am insecure that he may not find me wife material like her fiance finds her marriageable. I’m going to avoid confronting the fact that my bf doesn’t like me as much by putting her down to make myself feel better.”
And so on and so on.
Don’t take criticism from people you won’t take advice from. Would I take advice from someone I don’t look up to and isn’t an expert in whatever type of advice I’m seeking? No? Well I won’t take criticism from them either. I just see people who seek to put me down as sad. Like they really had nothing better to do than spread negativity? Imagine how miserable their lives are that they spend their energy giving you hate. I don’t have time to give hate. I’m too busy living my awesome life.
Know when constructive criticism is veiled hate. Constructive criticism is always welcome, but haters just seek to destroy, not improve. I had this ex-friend who I valued for her honesty. I would always ask for her to give it to me straight. As usual, it would always be negative. These pants don’t work with that top. Your makeup is too much. The stripe on that bag is just meh. Your $70 top looks like it’s from Fashion Nova. You walk “arrogantly.” I just realized that the full year I knew her, she had a problem with my essence: my values, my style, my personality. And I took it all because I thought I could improve and be a better person. But then I realized she was just looking for faults and enjoyed criticizing me for the pure pleasure of it. Sometimes, your haters are hiding in plain sight.
Be “clueless.” The pig analogy comes to mind here: if you wrestle with a pig, you’ll get covered in mud and the pig will like it. Don’t stoop to their level. Pretend their words/actions don’t affect you and do your best to not react. The biggest thing they want is your negative reaction. Don’t give them that satisfaction. It may not be the truth, but you must seem unfazed. Haters thrive on your negative feelings. Don’t feed them. Clarify their points and make them repeat their pointed/loaded questions so maybe they’ll see how ridiculous they are being. “Oh, I’m sorry can you please repeat the question?” “Are you really asking me if I xyz?” Smile and answer their question as nice as possible but with some spunk. “Yes, I do live here. Not the best situation for me, personally, but it will do for now.” Now you may say that we need to “educate” them to be better people blah blah blah. We don’t do that sh*t here. Their thoughts and actions are not my business just like mine are not their business.
Avoid like the plague. I’ve mastered the art of declining invitations so much, people stop asking. It’s pretty easy to do when everyone knows how busy I am. No matter how much you think you need these people in your life and on your side, there is no need for haters in your life. You can pretend they don’t affect you, but they will drag you down. They’ll chip away at your self esteem little by little until they think they’ve won. Don’t give them that pleasure. Go minimal or no contact. We don’t have space for toxicity in our lives. Life is too short to be spent walking on eggshells around assh*les.