RED FLAGS: FIRST DATE

During my single days, I’ve met a LOT of men. Most of these dates never progressed past the first date, and that is totally okay. The easier you find it to cut these men out of your life, the easier it will be to actually find your Mr. Right. My mistake that I kept repeating was thinking that I could look past certain dealbreakers or red flags. Yeah, that didn’t really turn out well for me. So here’s how you can do better than I did: pay attention to these red flags. If at any point these arise, abort mission and block him on everything. 

I am assuming here that you put a lot of effort into yourself in terms of inner and outer beauty. You’re kind and beautiful and a good soul in general. In short, you are a catch.

He asks to meet for coffee or go for a walk or some low-cost, low-effort BS “date.” I already outlined the reasons why you should’t agree to low-effort dates. In essence, men who offer these are not invested in you and are just trying to get the most by giving the least. You’re better than that. 

He asks to “meet in the middle.” This screams low effort to me. Bonus points if he asks to meet closer to his place because A, he doesn’t have to drive that far and B, it’ll be easier for him to initiate intimacy. Yeah, no. He should be coming to you, period.

He doesn’t open doors for you. Again, a sign of a low-effort guy. If he’s not putting in the effort to show you these little courtesies, imagine how much less effort he will put in if you keep this going. 

He’s not well put together. If he couldn’t even take the time to brush his teeth or comb his hair or shower or put together a nice outfit, what are you doing with this boy? We don’t date boys, period. 

He keeps bringing up his ex. Classic sign of lost boy syndrome. He doesn’t know what he wants, but he’s willing to string you along for the Hawaiian rollercoaster ride of confusion and hurt feelings. Let him figure out his issues alone. 

He’s “in between” jobs. If he doesn’t have any form of employment or income, he should be focusing on himself, not dating around.

He blames others a lot. A common theme in his stories is that other people f*cked him over, about how he’s so helpless and how he is the victim of other people’s actions. This screams defeatist and be prepared to be frustrated at his lack of action and motivation in life. He will drain your energy and piggyback off of your success. Popular examples include the leech boyfriend who is chronically unemployed, plays video games all day but still expects his woman to pay the bills and maintain the home. 

He relies on you to keep the conversation going. He may be uninterested, but he may also be socially awkward. I personally don’t think the socially awkward types are “cute” or “quirky,” because more often than not, they also are very insecure, insensitive, and are bad communicators. 

He complains excessively. You don’t need his negative energy in your life. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking any attention is good attention. If you leave any interaction with him feeling negative, just drop him. The first date and interactions leading up to the first date should be drama free. If he can’t contain his drama for a couple hours/days leading up to the date or during the date itself, you need to run. 

He says he is “broken.” Oh boy, this type is officially the worst. They rely on past trauma as a personality trait. I totally get being f*cked up by parents, but that doesn’t mean our whole persona depends on it. He’s clearly not healed yet and you don’t need to be around for his healing process. MEN ARE NOT PROJECTS. Go take your Martha Stewart energy somewhere else. 

He puts other women down to compliment you. This is him testing if you are a pick-me and if you are willing to compromise yourself to please him. My favorite response is, “I actually think she looks great. I wish I could pull that off” or “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I think she looks great.” Make a mental note to block this guy when you get home. 

He asks to split the bill. If he was the one who asked you out, he should totally pay. I don’t care if you’re making a shit ton of money. He has to pay. Tally up your gym membership, pilates classes, nails, hair, clothes, makeup, shoes, and the time it took to work on yourself. The least he can do is pay for dinner. Also, never ask a man out on a date. It comes across as male energy and sets the tone for whatever relationship you’ll have with him, if any. 

He pressures you for intimacy. If you’re not into it, you’re not into it. You’re a grown woman who doesn’t need convincing to sleep with someone. If he has to pressure you into something, it’s because you don’t see value in him. Trust your instincts. Also, sleeping with a guy on the first date is totally a personal choice. You do you, boo. 

Don’t ever feel bad for cutting strangers out of your life. You barely know these men so why are you investing so much time and energy on them? Once you encounter these red flags, kindly tell them you don’t see it going anywhere and block them on everything. I won’t even wait for their response. Simply send your farewell and promptly block. You don’t owe him any explanation, especially if it’s just a first date or the first few dates. You don’t need to give him a performance analysis report giving a rundown of exactly why you’re not seeing him anymore and how he can improve. You already wasted time on him. Don’t waste more. 

I understand that many feathers are ruffled by my message, but I’m not here to please everyone. What I put out are things that have worked for me. I stopped resisting the lessons from my experiences and I actually learned from them. I found that I wasn’t satisfied by 50/50 relationships or relationships where I was the provider of both income and emotional labor. I was tired of wasting my youth on men who made me pay for their company (essentially). I was also tired of being played with by “men” who didn’t know what to do with me. My time has value, and it’s not meant to be spent on boys who still need to grow up. 

XOXO

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